Situationships are like fast food.

I mean, really, think about it. They’re convenient and make you feel satisfied (at least temporarily), but ultimately provide no lasting value in the long run. They’re extremely comforting and clearly seem like great idea in the moment; but, they can be potentially harmful if you use them as a substitute for a real relationship (or, real food) for too long.

Like fast food, situationships serve an immediate purpose in satisfying your needs, but are actually quite terrible for your internal well-being. Hear me out.

They’re not real; they are an illusion.

Situationships are to relationships what fast food is to real rood. It’s a masquerade—a fraud. But, it sure does taste good.

So, we settle for them, with full intent of nourishing ourselves with real food at some point later on.

But what if later never comes?

I was a little hesitant to write this post—as I am with most things I put on here hehe—but, it’s just something I can speak on from experience. Believe me folks, no judgement here. I don’t know if this is a millennial thing or if this has been around for forever and I’m only now catching on because I’m in my prime and have the slightest bit more wisdom. Fully-formed prefrontal cortex, is that you?

For clarity, I’m defining a “situationship” as an unlabeled connection between two people that exists in a perpetual grey area between friendship and romance. Again, I would argue that this space actually does serve a purpose. There’s got to be something be said for the time when you’re actively pursuing a relationship with someone, but haven’t yet solidified that status.

But, the “talking” stage—’cause, let’s face it, that’s all situationships really are— shouldn’t last forever. Fast food is not meant to be your only food. It’s temporary, serving only to hold you over until something of more substance presents itself as an option.

You need proper nourishment.

I remember one day, when I was clearly really hungry, I decided it’d be a productive use of my lunch break to go and order two jr. bacon cheeseburgers from Wendy’s. Look, this no-judgment thing has to be a two-way street. At the time, I thought it was a great idea and I had spent all day craving it. I thought, I’m hungry; I like the jr. bacon. What could go wrong? Everything! I felt TERRIBLE the whole rest of the day. My body was never meant to be filled by a counterfeit.

I’ve had situationships last for absurd amounts of time. And, ya know what, it was in part my own fault. It takes two to tango. If I had established my standards, or discovered my trifecta sooner, then I could have saved myself a bit of heartache and others a bit of their dignity.

It does not take years for a person to decide that they want to be with you.

Sorry to whomever’s lie I just unmasked.

It just …doesn’t. You know darn well you knew whether or not you wanted that person for the long haul a long time ago, but you’ve just kept them around because they’re convenient. Their supply is always in demand.

Like fast food.

I don’t think this makes anyone the bad guy, per se. If you actually don’t know what your intent is for the person in question, it just means that you’re still driving around trying to decide what you want. And that’s fine. There are plenty of fast food restaurants open, at all hours, for your convenience. But, at some point you’re going to have to invest the proper care, skill, time and attention into preparing a legitimate meal. Gotta eat forreal some time, eh?

Things get tricky when you blur the lines for too long. People get hurt. I’ve had more than one experience in explaining to a guy that he has no stake in my attention or priorities when we are, in fact, not together. You can’t hold someone to a contract they never even signed to begin with.

I’ve got to play devil’s advocate, again, because I’ve also been on the other side of this exchange.

I remember being infuriated, years ago, after I immaturely confronted a girl about her secret involvement with a guy I was in a situationship with. In his defense, she told me that I gave him permission to do whatever he wanted when I chose to be involved outside of a committed relationship. It took me a while, but I realize that, as annoying as it is to accept, she’s partially right. As long as he was single, he could do whatever the heck he wanted with without my knowledge or approval. 

But, being single doesn’t give you permission to be a dishonest jerk to people that care about you. And, while on this subject, lets also note that being in a relationship does not guarantee that you won’t get lied to or cheated on.

In unison, let’s all read that twice. But of course, as is usually the case, I didn’t have the words to properly articulate my counterpoint in the heat of the moment.

So while, yes, he had permission to do whatever he wanted, it didn’t make it okay for him to have blatantly lied when I had previously asked about his involvement with other people. Is consent based on a lie really consent at all?

No, it absolutely isn’t.

I try to avoid hypocrisy on most things. So, when I am in the talking phase with someone, I try and be honest about if I am also lending my attention to other people. Call me crazy, but I don’t like living a lie. Who needs that kind of excess stress? But inevitably, the same people who claim they want honesty actually don’t want honesty at all. (I’ll expand on this statement in a future post. More later.)

Once you’re upfront with someone about your intentions, emotions and actions, then–in theory–they can’t ever complain down the line. It’s impractical to throw someone’s explorative phase in their face just because you don’t like it, when they explicitly told you from the very beginning what it was. At that point, you made the informed decision to stick around for whatever that entailed. That was a choice, not an attack.

The problem is that most times it doesn’t happen like this. There’s neither any honesty nor accountability involved from either party. Usually, one person selfishly decides that it’s best to withhold information in order to make the cheapest possible transaction to get what they want—whether that be emotional security, an ego stroke or, you know, fast food—in order to avoid missing out on other things they’d rather prioritize in that moment. Isn’t that usually why we end up in the drive-thru anyway?

Y’all following my analogy here?

Anyway, even IF a person decides to be fully honest, what usually happens is that the other party willingly chooses to stick around only to later make the individual feel bad about not adhering to that nonexistent contract they apparently signed up for. If a person tells you what’s up (and I mean real honesty, not half-truths), then it’s on you if you choose to stick around be their convenient, tried-and-true pit stop. A little harsh? In the words of Lauryn Hill: You know I only say it ’cause I’m truly genuine, don’t be a hard rock when you really are a gem 😉 […] don’t think I haven’t been through the same predicament.

Again, it takes two to carry on a situationship.

As ridiculous as the analogy is, I mean really, why would a person buy a cow when they can simply pull up and get the milk for free?

Even if I had a card for an endless supply of jr. bacon’s, by the laws of marginal depreciation I would eventually get tired of it and go invest my time and attention elsewhere. I like the jr. bacon just as much as the next person, but I’d spend good money for the juicy, realness of a high-end burger if tempted. 

As with anything in life, you take better care of the things you invest in the most. You’re going to take much better care of that wedding band than you do that cute little bargain ring you picked up at Forever 21. It’s just how it is.

Situationships are an actual thing. And, I don’t think guys or girls are more responsible for this outcome. Both parties are capable of dishonesty, poor decision-making skills and lack of emotional stability in choosing to walk away from a toxic partner. Or, choosing a partner at all for that matter. And, I’ve noticed that people in general seem to have some degree of commitment-phobia.

Cuff it, or leave it.

But please,

let’s stop settling for this as our norm. Go get a real meal.

When was your last situationship?