“Why I Stopped Blogging”—what am I a Youtuber?

I never thought I would make this kind of post for this platform, but I feel like I owe it to the folks who actually read the blog to explain why I have been absent.

The truth is, I have been dealing with a lot for a very long time now. And I have always felt that there is someone out there who needs to hear my story.

But, before I begin the process of sharing that story, I think it is important to check in and reevaluate the core reason I started writing to begin with: above all else, I genuinely appreciate having a space to call my own.

I like being able to share my thoughts, in full, without having to shorten them for fear of being long-winded. And, when I speak on what I know, I appreciate not having to formally cite the thoughts and feelings bred from my lived experiences with supporting literature.

My perspective is valuable and I am grateful to have this unique space to share it.

Thoughtful Gems was created for openness, inspiration and relatability. But, somewhere in the tumultuous year that was 2020, this site somehow became a space solely for speaking out on social justice issues, and the list of recent posts has unintentionally been filled with one political/social justice issue after the next.

In the resurgance of the Black Lives Matter movement, I felt moved to say something and use my small platform to contribute something meaningful to the conversation. But when I started this blog, I did not intend on becoming a social activist.

My personal affairs have gotten in the way of consistent blogging over the last couple of years. And, learning the ropes of Thoughtful Gems’ recent expansion to Instagram has taken much of my attention past few months. I’d like to recenter writing as my focus for this platform, but admittedly it is challenging to write when I don’t feel like I have the freedom to write what’s on my heart without additional pressure to address current events.

The number of women, men and children who have become hashtags is far too great. Unfortunately, I do not have the emotional capacity to supplement each new headline with insightful commentary detailing my own personal experiences with racism. Though, I am grateful to have been able to use my voice to spread awareness about the types of biases and privilege that leads to such headlines.

I am proud of my ability to use my voice to speak up for things that matter, but self-preservation is also important.

Last spring, I saw a post on social media that said something to the effect of,

“Black people, it’s okay to handle this however it makes sense to you. You don’t have to speak up; you don’t owe anyone anything. If you do choose to speak up, great. If you don’t, that’s great too. We are all exhausted and we deserve the space to process this all in our own way.”

At the time, I thought it was just a convenient way to provide an excuse for people who probably should be speaking up to remain silent.

But I get it now. I completely understand.

I do not have the privilege of existing in this world without constantly having to be aware of the conspicuousness of my race or the salience of my skin tone. But I do have a choice in how I choose to maintain my peace.

I will continue to speak up when I have the emotional capacity to share my stories and perspective. And when I don’t, it certainly does not mean that I don’t see what’s going on in the world or that I do not care.

So, as for me and this platform, I think its time we let the light in.

-Ashley ♡

Writing is my outlet for peace amidst the chaos, what’s yours?