The past several months have brought about major changes in my life.

Major. Changes.

So many people have said that they notice a shift in my mood. I can’t deny I notice the shift too. My overall aura has been elevated in ways I didn’t even know were possible.

If you’re wondering what’s changed within me, the answer is… everything and nothing. I have always been this way. What I have within me was there all along. My spirit just decided she wasn’t going to let anything get in the way of her shine, ever again.

Several years ago, I tried explaining to a someone that I felt like my natural state is existence in what feels like a natural high. He told me he didn’t like when people said that kind of thing, “natural high”. I silently questioned if anyone else had actually ever said anything remotely like what I’d just said to him before. And, for baseless reasons, I left the conversation with the newly internalized thought that existing in a natural state of euphoria was somehow either (1) a crime or (2) unattainable.

Well, he was wrong.

And he’s not the only one that I’ve allowed to trample over that natural high over the years. Society plays enough of a role in that all on its own. But many times, I didn’t even need another party to do the deed. I did it to myself by focusing on all the things going wrong in certain seasons of my life instead of focusing on the good. And so much of the effort I could have spent working on myself was spent fixating on the self-work that others needed to do in their own lives. I’ve finally turned that energy inward. And when it comes to other people, no matter how atrocious some of their actions or belief systems may be, these days what I notice most is my intrigue in the unique personalities, environmental factors and life stories that shape us each to be the way we are.

Admittedly, for a huge chunk of my life I was negative Nancy, and I couldn’t stand positive people. I couldn’t get past my conspiracy theory that they were all either oblivious or disingenuous. Or both. But what if they simply decided somewhere along the line that life was worth living and not dreading? What if life really is worth loving instead of hating 95% of the time?

The Chick-fil-a in my hometown has this plaque on the wall that says something to the effect of,

“You have to eat food, so you may as well make it good.”

The concept behind the quote is profound. The way I see it, y’all, we get to be here, living life, so we may as well enjoy it. We may as well make the ride a good one. Right?

I can’t say that I’ve ever actively hated my life. But I certainly haven’t enjoyed the traumatic parts of it. And if I’m being honest, I’ve only recently realized that some of the things I experienced throughout my life were traumatic at all. I’m learning to label those experiences for what they were, while simultaneously appreciating them for how they’ve shaped me into who I am today. The same applies to current and future challenges. Reflecting on my life thus far makes me grateful for having conquered everything I’ve faced on the path to where I am now. Sharing my journey with others is a privilege. And experiencing it at all is a blessing. As I’ve alluded to in my Insta stories,

“So much has happened that I can’t be out here living an ungrateful life. Because, I didn’t have to be here.”

Adversity built me; it didn’t break me. My life could have ended at 22 years old in that car accident. But it didn’t. My life could have been over when the worst possible outcome—failing out of medical school— happened. But it didn’t. Life went on because I decided it had to. I kept pressing on. Forward. Onward. And upward. Regardless of what happened next. Only now, I’m learning to stop and process challenges as they happen. And doing so only makes me stronger, healthier, happier and abundantly grateful for it.

I now understand one of my favorite scriptures more than ever before. It goes like this:

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

James 1:2-4

I can’t speak for every positive Polly out there. (And I’m honestly still fighting imposter syndrome from my recent, unintentional, initiation into that club.) But at least for me, the shift happened when I realized that the rain never really stops pouring. No matter how many sunny days there are, I can be certain that the rain will come again. So, I’ve learned to enjoy the sun as often as possible, embrace the rain when it comes and enjoy the beauty that comes afterward. Because, just as sure as the rain will always come, so will the sun always shine again.  

I feel like a hippie, guys. But it’s true! It’s so true.

The terms “self-work”, “self-care” and “mental wellness” are thrown around so often these days, but no one ever stops to share what that process looks like. A friend recently asked me what my self-work process looked like, and I mumbled off a generic answer about journaling more often and going to therapy. Those things are true, but it’s so much more than that.

I go out of my way to go to the park, any park, to journal—one of my favorite places to be doing one of my favorite things to do. I no longer start my day by checking emails or responding to messages. (In fact, I try to avoid my phone altogether at the start of my day.) And if I get on social media, it’s mainly to create and embrace my newly achieved goal of spending more time putting my thoughts out into the world than I do mindlessly scrolling. I welcome the sun pouring into my East-facing window each morning as cheerily as I would if it were my birthday, every day, because each day is a day is worthy of celebration for all the possibilities it may bring and for all the days that led up to it.

Music narrates my life with memories of vacation’s past, overflowing with an abundance of languages and cultures I hope to experience more of one day. I welcome peace wherever possible and seek pleasure as often as I can. I’ve been catching flights and evaluating feelings, paying close attention to what brings me joy and what doesn’t. My days are also filled with an abundance of gratitude, about everything, and protection from people who seem to only find things to complain about in their own lives or about me.

I bought a weighted blanket the other day and not only do I now get a cozier night’s sleep, but now I also dream every night—ha! I mean, the list goes on.

My intentionality with Cognitive Processing Therapy was also notably helpful. A few years ago, I left behind the thoughts that “no one can know me better than myself” and “these people are only paid to care” that held be back from starting the process much sooner. I realized that they’re not paid to care; they’re paid to help. Same as medics are paid to heal and officers are paid to protect. Our minds also deserve proper healing and protection. The process of finding a good fit in a therapist is worth about as much effort as we put into finding a good nail salon or barber to meet our specific needs. Potentially a hassle at first, but usually well worth it in the end.

The process of self-work is a daily one, and it doesn’t come in the absence of relapse into problematic old habits influenced by insecure attachment, recurrent trauma and instability of faith.

To be clear, I still have bad days and awful moments. I just choose to see the good in those bad days and make room for great moments amidst the challenging ones. I might not have full control over the thoughts that cross my mind, but I have control over the ones I pay attention to the most. I also have control over the people I allow into my space who who’ll inevitably influence those thoughts. And if I can control my thoughts, rest assured that I can also control my actions.

And you can too.

I’m working on not allowing anyone to convince me that things that are not okay, are okay. I’m also working on no longer feeling the need to convince others of their faulty behavior or encourage empathy for how that faulty behavior impacts me. That energy goes so much farther when it is invested in correcting my own faults and identifying my own toxic behaviors.

Frustration only really comes from focusing on things that we can’t control. And all too often we engage in optional stress. If it’s within your control, take some action to change it. If it’s not, find peace in knowing it’s not your burden to carry. And if its temporary, take a good look at your life’s history and take heart in knowing trouble truly doesn’t last always.

I’ve been doing a lot of self-work, gems. But the reality is that my spirit has always been this way. She’s always been free, happy, empathetic, curious, intuitive, faithful, peaceful, sensual, feminine, strong and resilient, all at once.

And she’ll always be this way. I’m protecting her at all costs. ♡