To be honest, it’s taken me over a year to finally feel comfortable writing this post. The idea has been there for a while, and it’s actually the idea that gave me the divine nudge to finally create a blog and share my thoughts with the world. I wanted to avoid hypocrisy and actually live by my own words if for the purposes of this post I were going to momentarily assert myself as a guru in love theory.

Let’s rewind to a couple of years ago—more specifically, to the peak of what was yet another cuff-less “cuffing season”. To be fair, I had options. And yet, I had turned them all down because I was lost in the charisma and charm of a guy that had zero interest in commitment. We’ve all been there, friend-zoning people who have many of the practical qualities we desire in a partner, all while patiently waiting for our actual love interest to develop into whoever we think they have potential to be. Really, think about it. Have you ever said to yourself, “I wish Person A had ‘X’ fundamental quality.” but simultaneously reject Person B who approaches you with “X”, “Y” AND “Z” great qualities, just because they lack whatever personal preference Person A brings to the table? Com’mon, we’re all in this together …right? Or maybe I’ve always just been too damn loyal to Person A.

At any rate, if you’re single right now, you’re more than likely single by choice; or rather, single by preference. But does that mean you should settle for Person B? Is that settling? Or, are you settling with Person A? Better yet, are you turning down Person A and Person B for an idealized Person C who somehow has all of the things you want in a partner but just haven’t met in real life yet?

I was determined to dive deeper into this topic and examine my own Person A, and all the other “Person A’s” who had somehow managed to capture my attention in the past but never quite achieved longevity. Likewise, I wanted to examine what exactly was missing in all the “Person B’s” that I had overlooked. My goal was to figure out what, for me, was an ideal partner. Is practicality enough? Is spark enough? Is it unreasonable to desire both?

It’s interesting that we move through life with the understanding that perfection is unattainable, and that human flaws are inevitable. And yet, we seek our own versions of perfection in our idealized future spouse.

I asked close friends to explain the difference between settling in a relationship and accepting human imperfection. In every conversation I had, the question was met with a long pause and eventual request for clarity. This reoccurring theme in having to adjust my wording brought me closer to answering my own question. When it came down to it, I was really asking for an assessment of deal breakers vs. desired preferences. So really, there is no true answer. It’s up to everyone to decide what “settling” would be for themselves. For many, this takes a quite a bit of self-reflection.

So, I got to digging.

After a soul-searching escapade through every failed romance in my closet, a recipe for success came thumping me on the head. There was a pattern in what was missing. Clear as day I realized that there are only three things I personally need to sustain a relationship. It’s essential that I have: (1) a man of faith who is (2) man enough to choose me and (3) exciting enough to keep my attention.

That’s it, that’s all.

In unpacking previous relationships, multi-year situationships, one-hit-wonder dates and flings of summer’s past, it became pretty apparent that no one ever had ALL three essentials. Serious self-reflection helped me to realize that I had only ever entertained guys who presented with at least ONE of these three fundamental things. Heck, some even had two. Whenever a core value was present, I subconsciously clung to it and silently wondered why it always felt like something was missing. I shared this revelation with my friends and they surprisingly each revealed that this was also true in their own dating lives. The idea affectionately became known as “The Trifecta Theory”. All agreed that (1) faith in God ought to be the foundation of the relationship, (2) the partner must willingly decide to pursue the relationship and remain loyal and (3) they themselves have got to naturally reciprocate those same emotions and effort towards the individual. How’s that for reinventing the wheel?

I was able to identify what settling means for me only after I took the time to really self-reflect. I could finally answer my question with confidence. If any of these three qualities is missing, then I know for certain that I am settling. Everything else is simply… a preference. 

If you have similar values, this may apply to you like it did for my close friends. However, the “trifecta” doesn’t necessarily look the same for everyone. Consider the people you’ve dated or loved most. Why didn’t it work out? Were they captivating but didn’t want to pursue, commit to or remain loyal in a relationship? Was the interest mutual but your core beliefs and values were ultimately different? Are you ignoring the people who are insanely interested in you AND share in your values/beliefs because you feel no spark in return?

What’s your “trifecta”?