So, I’ve been thinking. In my 25 years of taking and creating offense, breaking hearts and having my own heart broken, dropping friends and losing friends, I’ve learned that…ya know what, nobody is ever really the “bad” guy. It all just depends on what perspective you’re hearing.

That guy’s “crazy” ex-girlfriend is likely a normal human being—with normal human thoughts, feelings and emotions—that he’s using as a masquerade for his own failures. And, he himself is likely a normal guy making human mistakes who is fully capable of being someone else’s knight in shining armor if he wanted to.

So, who gets labeled as the “bad” guy in this situation? I guess that all depends on who you’ve lent your very sturdy shoulder to lean on. Kind of hard to hear the full story when you’ve got one person conveniently next to your ear, isn’t it?

Everybody is a good person to somebody.

Something I’ve been putting into practice over the last couple of years is breaking my habit of summing people up to their shortcomings.

A very extreme case of this is what we call the “splitting” defense mechanism in psychiatry, where a person chooses to view people as either all good or all bad, with no gray area. That’s unhealthy. And, while I don’t expect that most people display this level of extremity, I think it’s important to note that milder versions of this does happen in our day-to-day lives. Don’t believe me? When was the last time you permanently concluded that someone was a terrible human being just because of some biased story you heard from a friend?

I think we should all start giving people a little more grace.

If someone put your life under a microscope and examined all the times you’ve intentionally or unknowingly displayed assh*le tendencies, would you want to be permanently labeled as a crappy person for, say, forgetting your friend’s birthday? How about the time you carelessly passed along that rumor, not thinking about how it could potentially impact the person whom it concerned? We’ve all done it. People make mistakes. And, even when they purposely inflict harm on us, we can’t be so wrapped up in our own self-pity that we forget that people CAN change. They really and truly do.

But, only if they want to.

I think those of us who have done even the slightest amount of living have realized by now that you can’t make a person change. Try as we might, that’s a conscious decision that they have to come to on their own. And, believe it or not, it does happen. Haven’t YOU ever changed?

And, if they don’t change? F*ck ’em. No, no. I mean, um… Choose to forgive them—for you, not for them. Harboring anger and resentment is only ultimately hurting yourself.

If there’s anything this controversial Joker movie has taught us it’s that people usually have reasons for the godawful offenses they inflict on other people. Admittedly, I didn’t see the movie. But in watching a couple of reviews and having this at the center of a recent Bible study discussion, I must say I like the conversation that this movie has gotten started.

So, to the guy who I couldn’t love fully, the friend I failed to prioritize, the girl I immaturely popped off on, the customer service rep I was impatient with and the classmate I didn’t hear scream “Hi!” to me that one time in grade school: I’m sorry.

Never underestimate the impact of a poor first impression. People tend to give you one shot and conclude that they have you all figured out, for better or for worse.

My goal in writing these blog posts, besides full freedom of expression, is to get you all to step outside of yourselves and see the bigger picture. Who is it that you dislike? Why do you dislike them? Aren’t there several other people that love them anyway? That means there’s got to be some good in them… right? Let’s flip the coin. Who is it that dislikes you? Why do they dislike you? (Believe me, if you think you’re exempt from these last two questions, you’re not impervious to the conversations that happen when you’re not around, or the thoughts that people don’t speak aloud.) Aren’t there several other people that love you and still see you as a good person anyway?

Even the most heinous person has someone out there who loves them. It’s all contingent on both perspective and experience.

The way I see it, there are no villains.

At least, not really.

Do y’all see what I’m getting at here?? If ima keep dropping gems, I gotta make sure someone is catching them. If that’s you… allow me to extend my sincerest gratitude for your continued support of my loaded TED talks. You’re truly the realest to ever do it.

People hate what they can’t be, resent what they can’t have and envy what they want for themselves. Celebrities are about the only people we give a free pass to be amazing without restraint. Let’s be honest, you wouldn’t like Zendaya or Will Smith as much if they were instead the person you had to compete with for your love interest’s attention. Why is it in our nature to tear other people down to build ourselves up when we feel threatened? Wasn’t Cady Heron the one who taught us, “Calling somebody else fat won’t make you any skinnier. Calling someone stupid doesn’t make you any smarter. And ruining Regina George’s life definitely didn’t make me any happier. All you can do in life is try to solve the problem in front of you.”?

I have spent much of my life fixated on pacifying bitter people. I am who I am. And, that deserves no apology.

So, to the friends who’ve tried to dim my light to make theirs shine a little brighter, the gossip starters/perpetrators who desperately searched for some way, ANY way, to bring me down, and the guys who thought I owed them my full attention the moment they got it into their heads that I was put on this Earth to place their desires over my own: I am not sorry.

But you can go on thinking that I’m the “bad” guy if you wish. We good ova here.

In general, I’m slowly but surely learning not to take things so personally. And, you should too. As the saying goes, “what people say and do says more about them than it does about you.”

After all, it’s God’s job to judge— not ours. That’s a gift in itself. So, utilize it. Set yourself free.

I’m at a place in my life where I’m lending less energy to people who’ve decided that I don’t matter and channeling that same valuable energy into the people who really do matter. You can’t make people care, but you certainly can control how much you do.

So, who is it that you’re villainizing?

Let it go. You deserve it.