Each time I get on here to write something, I have this …panic. I go down a rabbit hole of wondering what people will think. I consider who I may offend and inevitably contemplate whether it’s really worth expressing whatever it is I have to say. I don’t know why I do this.

Oh, right.

It’s because I’m an introvert putting my real, raw and honest thoughts out into the universe in the hopes that someone, anyone, will resonate with them. I can’t decide if doing this kind of thing is most unnatural or natural thing I’ve ever done. I want people to step outside of themselves and step into my perspective—the bird’s-eye view perspective. Big claim? I get it. But, hear me out. I gladly admit to being mediocre in plenty of other areas, but seeing the big picture is kind of my thing. I am an INFJ, after all. Let me be good at something.

So, yet again, here goes nothing:

You guys, preferences are taught.

Yeah, I said it. Nah, I don’t regret it. The beauty standards we’ve all grown to accept as our own preferences are but an illusion. Like with most things, there is an extreme level of societal influence that goes into our personal choices.

As much as we all want to play “woke” and think that we have some sort of umbrella to shield us from the constant outpouring of self-hate and discrimination running rampant through our society, we don’t. We each carry implicit biases that have been subconsciously taught, arguably since birth.

Years ago during a family road trip, I remember making a pit stop at ol’ reliable (Mickey D’s) off some dirt road in an undiversified area of the South. I was on my way out of the building, having only gone into the restaurant for a quick restroom break, when I noticed a cute little nugget of the blonde-haired, blue-eyed persuasion staring at me, perplexed. The kid couldn’t have been more than 2-3 years old, but the question that followed the blank stare told me everything I needed to know about the family that immediately came in and swept the baby away in embarrassment (or fear of an adverse reaction) as I headed through the exit door.

“Are you a …girl??”

I answered the question as sweetly as I would have answered any kid’s innocent question, laughed it off and proceeded towards the car with a sunken feeling that wasn’t present when I left it.

The dress wasn’t enough.

The dress will never be enough, not in a society that associates femininity with long, flowing tresses and lighter-skinned complexion. That baby hadn’t yet seen a Zozibini Tunzi with a Miss Universe crown on her pretty little afro-textured, heavily pigmented head. One can only hope that maybe then, the dress will be …enough.

I’ve come to brace for the impact of being a spectacle while traveling abroad, but there I was experiencing it in my own backyard. (More on this topic in a separate travel post later).

There is so much work to be done.

I could write a dissertation on the plight of the dark-skinned Black woman, but since there seems to be a common theme in silencing those very real issues before they even have the opportunity to be properly discussed, I’ll present an adjacent example of a different, yet equally impractical gender bias masquerading as a preference. And you can either stop reading here and discard me with the other “bitter” dark-skinned women you’ve invalidated, or you can stick around and learn something.

The teaching of preferential biases occurs almost entirely covertly, and it happens over generations. No billboard, movie or pop culture platform will ever outright say, “Hey! THIS is what type of partner you should desire in your personal life.” But the message is certainly there, loud and clear. Arguing that biases aren’t present just because they aren’t explicitly stated is just as illogical as someone claiming to not be racist just because they’ve never plainly said the words, “I hate [insert marginalized group here] people.” How can we ever make any progress when our way of thinking is so narrow? Can’t really solve the issue without acknowledging it first, can we? Admitting to having problematic views in an area doesn’t necessarily make you a bad guy. When you know better, you do better. And then you educate others.

Exhibit B. I know this may come a shock to many of you, but *leans in closely* there is no logical reason why you absolutely without a doubt need a man who’s 6’4 or taller. There’s zero association between height and masculinity. While I understand the evolutionary argument behind certain desirability politics, we can’t ignore the historical context of male dominance seeping its way into countless areas of society. I recall being in 5th grade when my teacher explained to us that the traditional pattern of heterosexual partnerships consisting of taller men and shorter women originally came from the male desire for dominance over women. My 10-year-old brain was shook. We’ve all just been taught to desire this trait from our prospective dominant and submissive roles. And ya know what, desiring a taller or shorter partner isn’t a crime at all.

It’s just important to be aware of where certain “preferences” come from before invalidating the worth of an entire subgroup of people.

Why yes, I am driving home a dual point here.

I promise you with my whole heart that if the Kevin and Eniko Hart partnerships of the world were the norm, then you’d think about height difference much differently.

Oh, you don’t think so?

Let’s take a different approach. How about regular old clothing and hair trends? Aren’t those taught? Just decades ago everyone wanted hair raised to the heavens. Whether achieved by means of a natural Afro, a ton of hairspray or a chemical perm, society was collectively in search of meeting same beauty standard. Then, the scrip flipped and everyone’s hair suddenly needed to be laid. And again, that was either achieved naturally or by some form of manipulation.

We’re all just constantly seeking societal validation, whether we want to admit to it or not. No one is above the desire to be accepted.

You wouldn’t have such discomfort with Lizzo’s sex appeal if instead the beauty within her curves were globally celebrated and normalized. People wouldn’t frantically dye their gray hair if it were instead globally recognized as a symbol of wisdom, intellectual wealth and timeless beauty.

What are YOU hiding because society told you it wasn’t worthy of being celebrated?

One day Twiggy is the beauty standard and people are taping their breasts down to look less curvy; and the next, people are marketing push-ups bras for women’s busts to be lifted and perky like Marilyn.

So, stop waiting for your turn to be “in style” and embrace whatever the heck you want. And, while you’re at it, release the biases you’re perpetuating onto others. Clinging onto the one thing that society uplifts you for now as a means to belittle others might just come back and hit you like a revolving door one day.

We all deserve to be celebrated. There is more than one way to be beautiful. And, there are so many things that have value outside of one’s external appearance anyhow.

I don’t need anyone’s permission to be hot shit. And you don’t either.

I assure you that we can ALL be poppin’.

My beauty doesn’t need to exist on the heels of someone else’s invalidation. Confidence is so much more genuine and attractive when you can also elevate others while building yourself up.

Imagine a world where we all gave that a try. ♥

Which present-day beauty standards are in your favor? Which ones aren’t? Are you willing to admit that some preferences you have for others may have been subconsciously taught and subsequently internalized?